monday

Lack of sleep and general resentment for things going on in my life I think are causing my feeling right now. I definitely ate today. But I do need a snack. But i'm not hangry.

Not interested in starting any projects at my desk right now.

The sun was out this morning. Not anymore.

I get a lot more done in the mornings in general.

I can't just leave my desk all the time to go  try and feel better. I need to get actual work done! But I just don't feel like I am doing any good being here right now. It's been almost an hour of this.

Reflecting, resenting, and rehashing conversations, both past and future.

Started a grocery list - no desire to finish it. I know this will just lead to unprepared meals this week and arguments. But seriously I can't devote the brainpower to generating a meal plan. Do most couples argue because of meal planning?

I can just stare off and get completely lost in my own thoughts. Thoughts about almost nothing! Nothing that I can change or impact any more - things that are over. Things that have moved on. It's not the usual planning for futuristic consideration I thrive in. It's just like TV static.

TV static used to be the most calming place to send my brain during yoga.

I also can't make decisions. Should I go get food? Cheap? Healthy? Fast? Should I invite a friend? Should I stay on campus? Should I use a gift card? So I'll do this for another 30 minutes before I decide.

Music helping? Nope.

ok then.

And just like that, it's over. The fog lifts and I can focus, think straight, accomplish goals, deal with projects I've put off, and actually feel the emotions of success and relief that come with completing tasks that have been weighing me down.

It's not perfect. It's not 100%. I still don't feel some undying passionate love for my work or some deep sense of purpose of what i'm doing here.

Also, to me, just shut up sometimes. You just talk. You just say things and reply and answer and then you hate it. Why can't I be more curious or ask more questions? Why can't I remember more details or care to remember more details? Some websites indicate PMDD affects memory. Will medication help me with that?

so many thoughts.

Somehow, just before I fell asleep last night, I remembered this blog. And lately, I have needed a writing outlet more than ever before.

Just spent ten minutes reading my past posts from the last 5 years. And loved it. And, also, it made me miss a part of myself that's been lost for a little while now.

Had a daughter. She's amazing and incredibly challenging, but also incredibly smart. She has a smart brother to look up to, though. More on that later. That's not why I'm here today.

Something inside me has changed over the past 5 years. Something has made everything a little more difficult. Lack of self care? I'm certain that has a lot to do with it. But I also think some thing internally have become imbalanced and I'm not as happy as I used to be. Anyone who has known me has known that little things bring me lots of joy. That I am focused, driven, motivated and self-determined. But they have lessened and it is harder for me to completely enjoy things.

I find myself not wanting to get out of bed any mornings. I had a tough job. I switched jobs. I am happier at my new job (but still in the midst of feeling loss over moving on from the previous position, admittedly). I still don't want to get out of bed. Does anyone ever, at this stage in life, want to get out of bed in the morning? Or is it just me?

I have low tolerance for things that bother me. I can only handle one person talking to me at a time. This is increasingly difficult with two children who are smart, learning, and highly verbal! I can't handle loud noises.

I enjoy alone time. A lot.

I have a very limited amount of patience for things regarding my family. Very. Limited.

I don't want to be bothered after I get home from work. I honestly prefer to zone out watching Netflix. This makes me feel guilty. This makes me hate myself for not wanting to be with my family. Or call a friend.

I don't think people like me. I don't think I say the right things to those around me and that they find me rude, uncaring, self centered and maybe even controlling. I double back on lots of things I say and think and in certain social situations I find myself being much, much quieter than I used to be. Better to not talk at all than to risk misspeaking.

I feel guilty usually no matter what choices I make.

I can lose focus completely on my tasks and stare out the window or into my computer screen or just at nothing and then I feel guilty for not having accomplished more.

I don't want to be recognized for success, but I feel like I am never doing enough to be successful.

Having a new job is just a constant cycle of learning and right now that's just a constant cycle of me feeling like I'm not successful and not accomplishing anything. I'm unorganized and unmotivated to get better except when I have imminent deadlines.

What I'm doing to try to combat these things...

I talked to my doctor and she recommended testing for thyroid or other nutritional problems/deficiencies. It all came back normal. She diagnosed me with PMDD.

I started seeing a therapist and working through a lot of emotional stress that has been caused by problems in my extended family, how to take better care of myself, etc.

I have tried, a few times, to start exercising or just moving more. Long walks on campus are nice. Workouts are meh. I love carbs.

I am now going to explore a medication. I have an appointment in February. My therapist is out for a few more months. I am a little scared to take medicine but also very very hopeful that it will impact my desire to ENJOY SHIT AGAIN as much as I once did.

I am working to identify each month when I feel myself slipping into the symptoms of my PMDD. Identifying this time frame is helpful, because at least I can understand why I'm feeling the way I am, but it does not wholly combat the feelings and thoughts. It does make me more  hopeful that medication can help. I am in the midst of my PMDD right now and every day I just hope my period starts so I can feel better. Which is ironic, because my period is IMPOSSIBLY heavy and difficult for 48 hours and honestly makes me want to stay home.

I've learned about my family history with PMDD, thyroid problems, depression, anxiety, and more. And basically it seems like it all makes sense genetically for me to be experiencing these problems. That doesn't make it any less frustrating though, to not fully recognize myself from who I used to be.

I have been thinking about this list for a while now...

Live music I've seen (in maybe chronological order)

Vince Gill
Reba McEntire
Tracy Lawrence
Garth Brooks
Aerosmith
Dashboard Confessional (2x)
Jimmy Eat World (3x)
Limbeck
Barenaked Ladies
Butterfly Boucher
Howie Day
Jason Mraz
G. Love and the Special Sauce
Taylor Swift
Rascal Flatts
Sugarland
Heypenny
Jack's Mannequin
Andy Frasco (3x)
Glen Hansard (2x)

Had an amazing weekend of sunshine and fun with my family this weekend. Played outside, played inside, had good food and really enjoyed spending time with our ever-changing baby boy!

He just keeps learning SO FAST! He can clap his hands, touch his toes, find his book, find his milk, request a snack, recognize Elmo, know what to do when it's time to go bye-bye,... there are a LOT more things on this list but it seems like every day he shows us something new he learned and amazes us. It's so fun. It's on top of my favorite things about parenting list!

Got to stay home yesterday with him and we had so much fun. Took him with me to run some errands and really had a nice time. Made a part of me wish I had more time to spend with him. Parenting is so exhausting and I definitely could not stay home full time, but I do wish I had more time to learn with him. Dream life at this point in time includes working at Target part time, having him in childcare part time, and being able to take care of my house and myself and my family more.

Here's a list of things I would like to think I could do more of/better at if I had more time:

1. Mail things. Birthday cards, holiday cards, thank you notes...
2. Call family members to catch up.
3. Organize our digital media.
4. Clean our floors. (They're not that bad. It's just that I feel like we don't do it enough.)
5. Keep up on appointments like dog grooming.
6. Wash the cars.
7. Lawn care.
8. Make cookies for everyone (OK, not everyone).
9. Volunteer somewhere that matters to me.
10. Exercise more.
11. Take bubble baths.
12. Organize the house.
13. Create extravagant meal plans for breakfast, lunch and dinners.
14. Organize extravagant parties and get-togethers with friends and family
15. Put one of those really loooooong tables in our backyard with strung party lights for big meals like on the show 'Parenthood.' But there will be less crying. Ok, probably not. I cry at everything.

I had crazy dreams last night - the first one, not so intense, but my dreams have always been very vivid.

My husband was trying out for Double Dare. His mom was with us for support and there were tons of kids - the age kids would normally be - scurrying around us to auditions and doing things that kids do. Hubby made it past the first few rounds of tryouts and the final was a singing/guitar playing round. That's where he did not move on but, we were so proud of him.

The dream I had while waking up this morning was...more intense and emotional.

To preface it, I want to say I have been rewatching Fringe lately, and I just bought this fantastic necklace that has various clock faces on it, which felt very Doctor Who and I LOVE Doctor Who. It reminds me that our time here is short and time travel is not possible, which is why we need to make the most of it. Ugh, so cliche. But I really do think about that a lot. And I really wish time travel WAS possible.

So with those things combined, I had a dream I traveled back in time. For part of the dream I was my current self and people didn't really know who I was. And for part of the dream I think they saw me as I was when I was a little girl.

For the first part I was working a large banquet dinner at the church I went to when I was little. This part I was my current self as an adult. There were long tables in large banquet rooms and the guests were dressed up and there seemed to be important people attending. I saw my grandfather - who I called granddaddy - and he was walking down the hall with the principal from my elementary school. They didn't know each other in real life, from what I know, but it's possible. Anyway, my granddaddy died when I was eight and, we were close. I had an extremely emotional response to it for such a young child, and the moment my mom told me is extremely palpable to this day. That's another story - but the point is it was, to my 8 year old self, a tragic death. So when I saw him in the dream, I was very excited and took it upon myself to usher him to where he was headed at the banquet. Of course, he didn't know me.

My grandmother was seated at a table and made eyes with me. And I knew that she knew who I was. Like she had caught me as I traveled through the past and she gave me a disapproving look. She didn't say it, but I knew she was thinking "you can't change what's going to happen." I didn't feel like I was trying to save him from dieing of a heart attack, but nevertheless, the look from her was all it took to cut that scene and transition to the next stage of the dream.

I was at my other grandmother's house, which was less than a block from the church. It was Easter. I think this part is where my family saw me as a little girl, but I saw myself as my current self. They were all there - grandma, grandpa, cousins, aunts, as they were when I was little, in the house my grandparents lived in back then. As I explored my surrounding it became more and more evident that I had an opportunity for, well, something but I didn't know what.

I was eating a salad that was not unlike ambrosia - oranges, marshmallows, etc. I was watching a second cousin refill her plate, too, but she was scolded and I was not. That's about right.

Then I saw my youngest aunt. I said to her, "You seem like the only one that will believe me when I tell you this. But right now what I'm having is like a dream. It's actually 2015 - well, it's 2016 but the year just changed and it's still hard for us to remember that - and while I'm here it's the past for me." She just grinned and nodded. My alarm was going off at this point in real life, and I kept hitting snooze and I said to my aunt, "I'm trying really hard to stay here and not wake up yet."
 
Then I was sitting across from my grandma, and that's when it got emotional. I remember trying to explain to her how hard it was to remember the house this way. That I remembered the "shapes and rooms and textures" but the memories had started to be harder to remember. And she agreed with me and knew exactly what I meant.

I leaned in to her and I said, "Grandma, in the future you change. And I miss you." That's when I started to get really upset.

My alarm went off again and I snoozed it again but really started to wake up. And then kind of shot up in bed as I remembered what I had just dreamt.

It was just a dream. But what if I want to believe deep down, that last night, I traveled to the past and had the chance to see my relatives and tell them things and explore textures and air that I remember from when I was young.

My grandparents are all experiencing health issues from aging. Memory, cancer, heart problems. Nothing I can really do. But reaching into my brain and grabbing on to those memories I have of them is very, very important to me. Remembering who they were to me when I was young is just a small percent of the people they were in their lives - but I think that's what I was searching for last night.

None of this is going to make much sense, because I'm an emotional wreck right now and I'm not going to apologize for it. There's something to be said about the transformational journey of becoming a mother.

A mother? I'm a *mother* to someone? Still hard to believe.

A year ago THIS MINUTE that I'm typing this, I was laying on a table having my baby taken out of me because my body wouldn't naturally let him out. A PERSON CAME OUT OF ME.

That person will be on this planet and live a life and who knows what he will become or do or love or hate or think - but I (and my husband) created a LIFE and that sort of evokes a LOT of different emotional responses.

Yes, your birthday is about your day of birth and celerbating it. But now, as a mother, I see that a birthday is also this landmark for your own parents. It's 'here's the story of what I went through the day you were born' and 'here's what all of our friends were doing that day' and OHMYGAWD how it changed me and my life and my daily routines and the things I love and I can't even finish this thught right now but wow. Just wow.

And I just do my best. I just get through every day and do my best and try to make sure we're all happy and fed and safe and learning and exploring and smiling and that's all I can really say I'm doing. Parenting? Ok, sure. I'm doing that. But like, that doesn't even begin to really define what I feel like after a year of this.

The first three months were so dark. I'm an instructions person. Rules. Do this, then this, then this, and it will all work. Well, it's just not set up that way. Sometimes the rules work for you and the kiddo and sometimes they don't and that was VERY hard on me.

After that it was just milestones. I can't remember all of them or when they were or where we were when they happened, but I know it was just like, ok, now let's get to this point. And now this one. And now let's just get to tomorrow. How can it possibly be that we have already done that for a year?

And now there's this person that often, thinks I'm hilarious, and in return I think he's pretty funny a lot, too! We laugh at each other, and I sit in amazement when he shows me something new he learned. HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT YOU MUST BE A FREAKING GENIUS! No, he's not, he's just a little human learning a little at a time. But to me he's the smartest baby on the planet and your kid? Well. Good luck keeping up. (but really they're probably great)

And the war? The battle of being a mom? We're in that together. You do you. Survive. Make it work. Figure it out. Eat, don't eat. Toys, no toys. Let them cry, pick them up. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Because now I know how REALLY FUCKING HARD it can be some times and as long as the kid is safe and loved, I don't CARE how you got through that shit. Because whatever worked is all that matters at the end of the day. Judgement is so totally useless. We're all fighting to just make it, make SOMETHING WORK so that kid stops crying and you stop crying and everyone gets to sleep and keep their sanity (as much as you can keep, at least!).

It's not all bad. But the fact that no one talks about the bad makes the bad seem so much worse. Like, OH HI I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE THIS MANY HARD PARTS ABOUT THIS.

So. Anyway, back to the point. Almost exactly one year ago they said, look, look over there, that's your SON. He was being held up by someone, and he was sticky and screaming his little lungs out and BEAUTIFUL and I just cried and cried and laid there, all drugged up, thinking, HOLY SHIT I have a son.

Then I continued to nervously report all of the physical symptoms I was feeling, thinking, I'm sure feeling means I'm probably going to die now. And I made husband tell pointless stories about...speech maybe? Not really sure. But he was damn good at talking so that's what he did. HOLY SHIT is he a good dad. But this entry isn't really about him. But DAMN do I love him for it.

Moving fast and blurry.

Lately things have been happening so quickly and I've been so exhausted that it's like I'm unable to be 100% present - ever.

So, we bought a house. It's amazing. And I think it's still overwhelming. Well, I think it's still overwhelming because of all of the other things happening at the same time that are also overwhelming me...

Still haven't found renters for our old house. That's so scary. All that money...I have no idea what we're going to do. I mean, we're going to pay it. Because we have to. But it makes me sick to think about it. No control.

Job is crazy. So many projects, so much demand being put on me, and so little emotional connection or desire to do the work I'm doing. It just makes me want to be at home. Or hugging my little bear. Or doing anything that actually makes a difference, or makes people happy, or smile, or anything that makes ME feel alive and connected and like I matter. I'm constantly having those 'throw your glasses down on your desk and squeeze your face with your fingers while thinking "I can't do this anymore."' moments.

Wife and mom and daughter and granddaughter and in-law and all the other familial roles I'm trying to play are HARD to get right all of the time. SO HARD. I just feel like I'm never doing enough for anyone. And anytime I think about it, it just makes me hate my job more because it starts to feel like wasted time doing something I hate when I could be, at the very least, making the people I really love happy. Does that make sense?

I don't even feel like myself. It's not just my physical body that has revolted against me in more ways than one. It's more than that. But that's such a huge part of it - my hair broke off (so I cut it short), my stomach got all squishy and flabby (3 weeks of low/no carb diet made me feel good for 2.5 of those weeks. After that I wanted to punch everyone eating a sandwich), my back is totally screwed up, my neck always hurts (maybe it's where I carry my stress?). And, full disclosure here, my period has decided that on the first day, my vagina will unload everything all at once. Over about 12 hours or less. Which makes it virtually impossible to leave the house. I can't make that up. It makes me feel like I'm not even human. All of these things combined, physically, make a girl wonder what anyone ever sees in her right now. Especially husband.

I haven't been to yoga in months because I always have something to do over my lunch hour, it seems. I will go back this week, I said.

Sleeping? That's funny. Try intermittent short naps sandwiched between "What time is it?" while looking at my phone at all hours of the night. It's too hot, it's too cold, my neck hurts, my back hurts, the dog is snoring, the husband is snoring, the train went past the house...aaaaaaaand there's the alarm. Or the baby. Whichever comes first. I. Need. To. Sleep.

For a year.

So all of these things combined and then my boss is like, why was that project 4 hours late? Your attitude at our meeting yesterday was not good. You need to pay attention. Everyone else got their work done.

And I'm like. I seriously can't do this job anymore.

(Lots of f-bombs in this one. I'm an emotional being, you know.)

Definitely struggling again with issues at work. Not enjoying the work I'm doing, the attitude from my supervisor, or the feeling that I'm not good enough. It's crushing my self confidence and ability to make decisions on my own. It's causing me to question every decision I make, and leaving me feeling small and powerless.

Still searching for other opportunities. Considering seeing if job 7 has any openings...or maybe going into the restaurant service industry...or being homeless.

Speaking of that we're also searching for a home to buy. Boy was that a slap in my 20-something face. I have two words of real life advice for people in their 20s:

Save money.

Seriously. I didn't think I could 'afford' to save money in my twenties, but even if I had just put back $5-$10 a month, it would have been enough of a start to get me going. And it has to be an auto-deposit. If it happens without any effort, then you don't even think about the money being gone. And then don't touch it. It doesn't exist.

Why? Because here I am in my early 30s, just having started a real savings account that my hubby and I are NOT touching, and to think, how much money could I already have? Why do I need this money, you may ask?

TO BUY A FUCKING HOUSE FOR MY FAMILY.

Yea. Student loan debt is good debt, they said. You will be able to get a great home loan, they said. They lied.

Student loan debt is still fucking debt, that what's the banks say (but they didn't swear at me). So, it will exist and you will have no extra money and the bank won't give you any. Or they will give you enough to buy a dilapidated shack next to the lake with no A/C and a wood burning stove from the 1800s. Or if you're lucky enough to get something remodeled, it will smell like cat piss. No, like a million cats pissing on the same carpet for YEARS and then letting it mold. OR the whole house and property will definitely give you the heebie-geebies - like someone definitely was held captive in that scary closet or dragged by their hair across the backyard. Don't ask me why that's what I imagined, but I did. So. That's up for interpretation.

Sure, I had fun in my 20s. But if someone had flat out said to me, you need to save more money and just buy a few less drinks on your vacations to Florida (LUCKY FUCKING ME), or you will not be able to buy your future child a home that has four walls, well, I might've made different decisions.

So what class is missing from college/high school/real life? Money management. Please, learn how to manage your money. It's not for funzies or blowing off - it's a seriously real life lesson that you either do right or totally fuck up. 

Oh, well, baby is here and it's a HE! I can't say i was totally surprised - with so many girls being born around us I had a feeling that, statistically, a boy was due. I will NEVER forget that moment I looked over and saw you being cleaned and weighed, screaming. Oh, that little scream! It's burned into my memory and my heart forever.

So, what's been happening? I'm back at work. You're at daycare. It's strange. I've been dealing with feeling this pulling into lots of directions, lots of roles to play. Everything is on the stove, and I don't know how to stir all of the pots at the same time. Something is going to burn. How do I divide up my time to find room for all of these roles I have to play?

I'm a mom. I want to, and am obligated to do so many things for you and that's, surprisingly, a LOT more pressure than I realized. I love you more than I ever thought I could, in a way that is completely different from how I've ever loved anyone else in my life, and yet, I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough for you no matter what choices I make. I feel like I will never have enough to give; money, time, love, effort, playtime, learning... there is always more I wish I could do.

I'm a wife. I didn't realize that this role would change so much, too! My relationship with my husband has just been such a huge part of my life and now, it's like we are just trying to stay alive with so many other things to do. Even when we are together, we are not always present. It's very, VERY difficult.

I work. And unfortunately, it pays the bills that we have because life. Trying to stay focused here is absolutely the hardest role to play right now, knowing that all of the other things that I love, that are so important to me, feel like they are suffering. Especially when I'm not doing something I love. Work is low on the emotional totem pole, but if I don't do well, then we can't pay bills and then everything would go to shit. So. There's that.

I'm ME. Like, I need time to be myself. To breathe and enjoy and live and have fun and how in the world am I supposed to do this, as well, when all of these other things are counting on me, too?

No clue.

I have no idea how to get all of this done on top of the day-to-day bullshit that happens.

OK, I'm eight days past my official due date. My lower back hurts, my feet and ankles swell, I can't feel most of my left fingers and some of my right fingers, there is an enormous amount of pressure in my lower half (yes, there), and I am overall pretty uncomfortable unless I'm sitting with my feet up with the heating pad behind me.

Sometimes I worry that I'm mentally keeping myself from dilating. That's right. Baby has dropped low and is in the position, it's just that I haven't dilated and labor hasn't started. Every night I have regular contractions for about 2 hours, ten minutes apart, but they aren't painful or building up. What if I am subconsciously holding on to something that is keeping me from just letting go and going into labor?

Some of you might wonder where I would come up with a crazy idea like that, but I recently read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Natural Childbirth, which is a glorious read that you should read if you are pregnant or trying or just a breathing human being. She's a legend amongst natural childbirth experts and pretty much has seen and done it all when it comes to helping bring forth humans into this world. Seriously. I won't go further than that, but I could probably talk about it for days.

She has a whole chapter on the mind-body connection. She says sometimes women don't progress in labor until they sort of, exorcise their inner demons and fears. There might be some emotion or worry they are holding on to mentally that is keeping their physical self from getting the job done. I believe this theory because I've experienced that problem in other aspects of my life. A lot.

So I'm going to air some grievances in hopes of 'letting go.'

1. I know logically that my body can do this. Like, I really know it can. I read about it, I made myself watch videos and look at photos of childbirth. I know it's possible. But that doesn't always eliminate that little bit of doubt about your own body doing it. I think I'm still holding on to a little bit of fear about how this is going to go down...down there...and what the post-results will be. It's a little terrifying. But, my body was made for this and I'm trying to be confident. It has to happen. It's going to happen. And I CAN do this.

2. I have experienced some doubt about how my husband might feel about me afterwords, about how I will potentially change physically in a lot of different ways. It doesn't really matter now; it is going to happen, but I wonder if it will effect our physical relationship.

3. I also need to say this: our relationship is/was in it's PRIME when we decided to try to have a baby. Like, the best it's ever been. So now we're throwing a new ingredient into the recipe and I just worry sometimes that maybe we should have held on to that 'prime' a little longer before changing it up. I know we will be different no matter where we would have started, but it's still something I think about.

4. How am I going to act when I'm in labor? How embarrassed am I going to feel about the things I do/say? I know, I know...it shouldn't matter. But I've considered it and when you have people staring at you from ALL angles and you're acting crazy and you're naked, you have to wonder, what is that going to do to me physically if I feel at all vulnerable in those moments? I just hope I get to the 'I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks' stage very quickly in spite of it all. :)

5. There is going to be a baby in our house. A PERSON that we are responsible for. I'm not saying we're not ready (hah!) but it still resonates pretty hard even up until now. I am getting ready to be held accountable for another life. Woah. I know I can do it, one day at a time, but that's a lot of pressure. I mean, sometimes I don't want to let the dogs out or give myself a damn shower. But I'm going to have to be there for this other person no matter what.

I think that covers it all. And I don't feel like any of those worries make me weird or crazy or anything, but it still feels good to see them all there and recognize them. They're just human worries.

What is about to happen to us is something millions of billions of trillions of zillions of humans have gone through over and over. I can do this. We can do this. Let's have a freaking baby. Like, now.

Writing feels great, which is why I forget to keep doing it for months at a time!

But really, since April, we found out we're having a baby! In fact, baby was due 5 days ago. I will not, a this time, sink to writing here how frustrating and tiring the past 2 weeks have been just "waiting" it out...

What I really wanted to do here is write a few notes addressed to baby about what life has been like lately. That seems selfish and cliche, but it's my blog, damnit, and I'll do what I want.

OK.

Dear baby,
Your dad and I have always known we wanted to have kids and a family. In fact, his strong family is one of the things that kept bringing me back to him. You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their family, and his is top-notch. So family was important to both of us from the beginning.

As of today, it's been 6 years and 10 months since we started dating. That is absolutely crazy for me to think about, because it doesn't seem possible to have been that long already. We've been married for a little over 2 years. And the road we took to today was never predictable, boring, or perfect. But I wouldn't change it for anything. We've grown a LOT in our relationship together, in ways I could not have predicted. I can honestly say that we made sure our relationship was in the best possible place before deciding to add a third party and that makes me very proud of us. It makes me very proud of your dad, especially, and everything he has accomplished thus far for himself and for our relationship. We both have made leaps and bounds, but I can only speak for what I see in him. He is my world.

We talk about our relationship as a team. We talk about how each player on the team has to be involved equally and is equally important. We talk about how much we value each others skills and strengths, and how we accommodate each others weaknesses. When it comes to parenting, we want to keep up with these values and make sure that you, the newest member of our team, fell the same way. No single person can be good at everything, and its OK to admit when you're not and ask for help.

We also have strong values regarding gender and expectations. We want you to grow up and do whatever you want to do. We won't expect you to behave any certain way based on your gender. We expect you to behave like a human being and we will love you no matter what choices you make. Unfortunately, not everyone in this world will feel the same way, and we can't protect you from that. But we can teach you the tools necessary to deal with it.

The past two weeks have been really hard waiting for you! When someone tells you at the 38-week-mark that baby could come at any time, you pretty much decide every single minute of every single day that it's probably going to happen the following minute. And here I am, still with you, 5 days past your due date.

Your aunt K and her best friend, your aunt C, spent 8 days with us in Kansas helping around the house, cooking freezer meals, taking care of the dogs... and you never came. Nonetheless, we had a great time hanging out with them playing games, bowling, and celebrating aunt K's 25th birthday. She and your uncle K were hoping to share a birthday with you on the 15th, but that did not happen. You probably owe them an apology for that one. #LifeDebt

Grandparents on both sides are also very anxious to meet you. Plans have been made, tentatively, around your birth for them to come stay with us and help out around the house. We're so incredibly lucky to have so much support. I haven't even mentioned the rest of the crew of friends we have who are constantly tending to me and your dad to make sure we have everything we need for you. The importance of these people in our lives is never unnoticed, but always makes us feel like we can never do enough for them in return.

Here's a random list just for you:

1. Based on how much you kick and move any time I eat it, you either love or hate peanut butter.
2. My first and only random craving was for Lemon Heads. I have never liked lemon or sour candy, but I ate a whole box during the first few months I was pregnant.
3. We chose our girl name pretty quickly, but the boy name took FOREVER to narrow down.
4. The gray paint in your room is one of my new favorite paint colors ever. I would probably use it in every room of the house if I could!
5. We really want to buy a house this year.
6. I took a 4-day weekend this weekend just to rest up for you. The weather was a beautiful and an  unusual 55-60 degrees (in January!) so we spent a lot of time outside. It would have been a great weekend to have you, but we also enjoyed just relaxing.
7. The last big item we need to buy for you is your high chair.
8. You went with us to North Carolina in 2014. I didn't feel good most of the time, but it was amazing and I had never seen that part of the country. Admittedly, I still like the Florida gulf beaches more and really can't wait to take you and your dad there.
9. We're looking forward to re-watching Battlestar Galactica during my maternity leave once you are born. We'll explain that to you later.
10. I just can't wait to know who you are, who you want to be, and who you will become.

Love,
 Your mom!

I've been employed since I was 15. My parents and friends had to drive me to and from my first job until I got my driver's license. I've worked at nine places including that first job.

I'm looking for a pattern. Something in my work history that will help me understand a dilemma I *might* be facing again: why do I dislike my current job so much, and do I dislike it enough to start looking again, or am I just being impatient?

Job one lasted seven years, if you include a few stints where I worked at additional jobs to supplement my income. It had it's natural ups and downs, but overall I look back on it with the most love, the most nostalgia, and the happiest memories. It doesn't help formulate the pattern I'm looking for at all. I also left it because I moved.

Job two was Bath and Body Works in the mall. I was hired as seasonal help before Thanksgiving. It was incredibly hectic, busy, chaotic, and a lot of restocking shelves. I was asked to stay on after New Year's, but business REALLY slowed down. I had more time to get to know my fellow employees and realize we had very little in common. I also was very uncomfortable for me to 'push product' and 'upsell' people things they weren't interested in buying. The final straw was having to clean up an enormous mess of cardboard boxes that weren't mine, because I knew the store would be fined if the wrong person saw them on the ground. In the process, I managed to tip over my over-full cart of cardboard, as well. I put in my two weeks that day.

Job three I also quit because I moved, nothing new there.

Job four was an internship, which I quit because it ended. Not helpful.

Job five I quit because I was going to move, but then didn't. I didn't take the job back, though, because I felt like I was being overworked and under-appreciated. The pay was good, the benefits were good... Job five was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining and I stopped caring as much about the products I was selling.

Job 5A, I worked at really briefly, and quit because I didn't have time to maintain two jobs and go to college full time. Not important on this list. 

Job six...
Job six was a dream come true. I learned a lot about myself and refocused my skills to figure out exactly what my dream job is: event planning. My supervisors at job six started doing extremely unusual and unprofessional things. They had no clue that what they were doing was wrong. Sometimes they were towards me, sometimes other employees. I had a very close, personal relationship with them, and I still felt like I couldn't just talk to them about the way they were handling certain situations. I quit job six because there was no way I could continue to work for people who could justify the things they did or said.

Job seven I quit because I got job eight. I don't know how much longer I could have lasted at job seven, though, because it started to become extremely un-fulfilling. I felt like I had so much to offer, and the job just wasn't meeting my needs. Somtimes the projects I was asked to do seemed really petty and I felt...better than the work I was doing. That might sound terrible, but it's the truth. At some point, a college graduate starts to wonder if stapling pennants to string once a week is really what they got that degree for.

Ok, up to speed at job eight.
First professional position on the resume. Great step towards big goals. Definitely need this job to advance my career skills. Have learned a lot about working in an office setting.

Least amount of control over my own work I've ever had. Most limitations on creativity I've felt. First time I've ever thought, 'if you hired me for this position, why are you trying to do my job for me?'. First time I have ever felt incredibly micro-managed, or questioned so often about my decisions.

What will job nine be? When? I've admittedly applied for three positions while working job eight, and I've had this job for about a year and a half.  Two of the positions were in the dream job category of event planning and I didn't even get an interview: ouch.

It took me a long time after college to figure out what I really want to do with my life. You know, the c-word:

Career.

I figured it out. I happily, joyfully figured it out. But it's not what I went to school for, and at this point I have a very small amount of first-hand experience doing it.

I currently have a 'professional' job. It's the first one I've ever had, and I can't tell you how happy and proud I am of myself for getting it. Been doing this almost a year and a half. The pay is really great, and we really needed the financial bump to start pushing us towards our financial goals.

But it's not my dream job. It's not the c-word I want forever.

How do I find the experience I need for my dream job while I am busy building up the 'professional' experience I also seem to need on my resume to be taken seriously? How much longer do I need to stay at my ho-hum job do be ..to get...whatever it is that I need?

It has ALWAYS bewildered me how much time we have to spend working to stay alive. To stay comfortable, some would say. And it's very difficult for me to stay somewhere that makes me unhappy when I spend the majority of my waking hours there five days a week.

How do you do it? How do you remain fulfilled and creative and joyful at a job that, for whatever reason(s), seems to be the opposite of any of that?

Recovered!

My blog, that is.

After a four-year hiatus (hiatus? Uhm, I actually just totally forgot I even had a blog) I have decided writing might be good for me to do again.

As I get older, I find there are more and more reasons for me to find multiple ways to express my inner turmoil, no matter how big or small my problems are.

I've recently started doing yoga, which has been amazing for my brain in the middle of the workday. It's like clearing out my mental cache and cookies. When it's nice outside, I do a two-mile walk. I'm lucky that both of those options are within walking distance from my job.

My husband and I also found that couples counseling is incredibly helpful. We went in to our intake session feeling broken as a couple, and extremely unsure about what to get back from the experience. Six months later, because we did all of the homework and worked hard as individuals to increase our strength as a team, we are in a much better place. I think we would openly recommend counseling to everyone who has problems that they just can't seem to solve on their own.

We benefited the most from three major parts of counseling (Are you SO surprised to find out I still love making lists? Old habits die hard. Or not at all.):

1. Just being at counseling. Knowing that both partners are there shows a commitment to fixing the problems in the relationship, which reinforces the commitment to one another. Being there communicates the willingness and desire to repair whatever is broken.

2. Being in counseling always made us refocus on our relationship. It's like a reminder that your relationship with your partner is just as important as all the other important things in your life, and that is really hard to remember. Everyone always told me, 'marriage is work.' They were right.

3. Going to counseling is nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, you should feel proud that you have the guts to swallow your pride and admit that you can't fix it on your own. Nothing wrong with being humble. Most of the advice that we were given in counseling were things we already  knew, we just had stopped utilizing. Going didn't make us feel like we were crazy, it made us feel like we both CARED and that actually brought us closer together.

...

Adding writing back in to my life feels good. It's definitely been fun coming up with the shortest, most creative ways to be snarky and witty on Facebook and Twitter, but this is a forum I am deeply familiar with (I'm talking about you, 1990s Angelfire/Geocities/LiveJournal), and LOVE (now I'm talking about you, creative non-fiction college courses). Welcome back, alohakim.